Crazy, Busy, Guilty Read online

  Published by Nero,

  an imprint of Schwartz Publishing Pty Ltd

  Level 1, 221 Drummond Street

  Carlton VIC 3053, Australia

  [email protected]

  www.nerobooks.com

  Copyright © Lauren Sams 2017

  Lauren Sams asserts her right to be known as the author of this work.

  ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

  No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form by any means electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise without the prior consent of the publishers.

  National Library of Australia Cataloguing-in-Publication entry:

  Sams, Lauren, author.

  Crazy busy guilty / Lauren Sams.

  9781863958943 (paperback)

  9781925435382 (ebook)

  Working mothers—Fiction.

  Divorced women—Fiction.

  Man-woman relationships—Fiction.

  A823.4

  Cover design by Tristan Main

  Text design and typesetting by Tristan Main

  Cover illustrations: Shutterstock

  For my mum, who always made it look easy, even when I know it wasn’t.

  Thank you for all that you did for me, and all that you do.

  Contents

  Prologue

  Chapter 1

  Chapter 2

  Chapter 3

  Chapter 4

  Chapter 5

  Chapter 6

  Chapter 7

  Chapter 8

  Chapter 9

  Chapter 10

  Chapter 11

  Chapter 12

  Chapter 13

  Chapter 14

  Chapter 15

  Chapter 16

  Chapter 17

  Chapter 18

  Chapter 19

  Chapter 20

  Chapter 21

  Chapter 22

  Acknowledgments

  Prologue

  WHAT KIND OF MUM ARE YOU?

  Are you Foodie Mum? Do you make nutritious, delicious meals for your children, often at a moment’s notice? Do you swear it’s ‘the same old thing’ every night? (When actually it’s homegrown kale – painstakingly, lovingly massaged with extra virgin olive oil – and pearl barley ‘risotto’, liberally sprinkled with nutritional yeast – the new parmesan! – from Nigella’s latest.) Do you spend the six weeks prior to your child’s birthday scouring back issues of the Donna Hay kids’ edition for sausage roll inspiration? Do you make your kids themed birthday cakes every year, from scratch, from a dog-eared copy of The Women’s Weekly Children’s Birthday Cake Book (the updated edition, without all the artificial food colouring and potato chips for ducks’ bills)? Is your freezer stocked with balanced meals and brownies made from sweet potatoes and agave syrup (white sugar being, of course, off limits)? Is your freezer decidedly not filled with gin?

  Or maybe you’re Patient Mum. You never begrudge another story at bedtime, another song in the car, another five minutes in the bath at night. In fact, you usually read several books before tucking your children in, calmly, without a fuss. You don’t mind if the kids get up to go to the toilet five times. They’re only little once, Patient Mums say, smiling as they fetch their four-year-old a seventh glass of lukewarm water.

  You might be Martyr Mum. Did you insist on a natural birth, without intervention? Did you feel like your body was about to implode, collapsing in on itself like a punctured lung or a basketball that’s lost its pep, because you were so goddamn sore and tired? You got through it, though. Martyr Mums do – they just keep buggering on. You feel – quite understandably – very proud of this achievement, wondering if maybe there’s a space to add it to your LinkedIn profile. You also breastfeed. Like, a lot. Are you breastfeeding now? Not just in general, but right now, as you read this? Did you stick with it even though you struggled at first and no matter how much it hurt, because you knew that breast was best? Do you love it now? Are you, perhaps, not quite sure when – or possibly if – you’ll give up? Do you co-sleep? Are you careful to tell only other confirmed co-sleepers, lest you be judged by society and its misguided insistence on sole-sleeping? You might be Martyr Mum.

  Are you Stylish Mum? Stylish Mum looks good. Obviously. She does not wear a crumpled t-shirt, stained with last night’s dinner and possibly this morning’s breakfast, to the park. She Instagrams her outfit – an Être Cécile t-shirt (ironed, of course) with an ironic slogan emblazoned across the front, her Frame jeans (the ones she fits into again thanks to her thrice-a-week Pilates habit) and Repetto flats – cold brew / green juice / child optional. Stylish Mum blow-dries her hair, manicures her nails and would not think twice about wearing white jeans. Because Stylish Mums beget Stylish Children, who have a very adult respect for pale denim (and their shoes, too – Stylish Children would never dream of kicking off their sandals in the park, befouling their naked feet with dirt. Stylish Children are too busy reading Madeline and sipping their babycinos).

  Then there’s Organised Mum. Organised Mum knows the exact date of her child’s next vaccination and precisely how much Panadol can be given to an eighteen-month-old with an ear infection, without so much as looking at the bottle. She remembers the contents of the fridge with a precision that borders on militant. Organised Mum takes her children to the park, and to playgroup, and to Rhyme Time, and to Gymboree, and to the pool. She knows what, specifically, to pack for each of these different events. She never forgets sunscreen or wet wipes or water or snacks or her child’s hat. Organised Mum fills her schedule with child-centric activities and enjoys catching up with all the other Organised Mums she meets there.

  Are you Involved Mum? Do you volunteer at playgroup, preschool, and school and weekend sports (not as a coach, mind you – that’s a job for Involved Dad)? Can you hear the words ‘canteen duty’ without shuddering, wincing and choking on your sav blanc? Do you have your kids’ Halloween outfits sorted before the Christmas tree comes down? Have you ever attended a Mums’n’Bubs ballet class?

  Or are you Hipster Mum? Hipster Mum feeds her kids organic chia seed milk but has sort of forgotten why. Her kids are called Arlo or Edie. She thinks it’s important that kids learn a second language – and that’s the only reason Dora the Explorer is allowed to be screened in her house. If you’re a Hipster Mum, you’d sooner strangle yourself with your fair-trade organic cotton scarf than buy your kid a toy from Kmart. You don’t know what canned soup tastes like, and neither do your kids. They prefer bone broth, anyway.

  Or maybe you’re not any of these mums.

  Well. Are you?

  I didn’t think so.

  None of these mums actually exist. But for some reason we tell ourselves they do: these perfect mums who are different in their methods but similar in their madness for their kids. We tell ourselves that we should seek to be one of these mothers, these mothers who think of nothing but their children, day in and day out. Whose worlds revolve entirely around their kids, to the exclusion of everything else. We tell ourselves that is what motherhood really is. But it isn’t.

  We all know what motherhood’s really like. Nobody has the energy to make sugar-free muesli bars for lunch boxes and compost every single scrap of vegetable and make a Sunday roast every week without fail. Nobody does it all the time. Nobody plans playdough fun crafternoons every single day, without ever resorting to plopping their kids down in front of a Ben and Holly DVD and sneaking off to the kitchen for a glug of wine from the bottle.

  My bet is that you’re Just Trying to Keep Everyone Happy Mum. You have a child – or children – and a job. A husband, maybe a wife. Friends. Mothers. Fathers. Sisters. Brothers. A boss. Employees. Your own interests. Your life is full, which
you like but also find terrifying because if one ball drops the rest may come crashing down soon after. You are perpetually tired in a way that is very hard to articulate (mainly because you’re so very, very tired). You want to keep everyone happy and do everything properly and be in many, many places at once. You are very sick of people telling you to ‘slow down’, ‘meditate’ and ‘get a dog, the kids would love it!’ (you do not have time for a dog!). You are sick of answering questions – like ‘How do you do it?’ – as if you are some sort of superwoman. You know what the real answer is: by missing out on other things. You are late to the Easter hat parade every single year, despite all your best efforts. Best efforts like choosing your employer based on their ‘flexible working policies’ and ‘support of working parents’, only to find that this equates to an annual family picnic to which you must bring your own booze. You have heard of ‘me time’ and think it is ridiculous bullshit that women have to justify simply doing something for themselves for once. You’re tired of having to explain how much you do for others in order to ‘earn’ said ‘me time’ (still, you nick off for a pedicure once in a while under this guise – because why the hell not?). You send emails while singing to your kids in the bath and cooking tomorrow night’s dinner. You braid your kid’s hair while memorising a speech you have to give later. You tuck your kids into bed and race away after the final kiss to finish a report that’s due in the morning. Sometimes, in dark moments, you feel that ‘Cat’s in the Cradle’ was written with you in mind. You know it is supremely audacious to love both your child and your job.

  And you sometimes wonder if your life is about to reel right out of your control.

  I mean, what the hell were you thinking?

  Chapter 1

  There’s life Before Baby, and life After Baby: that’s pretty obvious. Any idiot knows that.

  I knew that.

  Except I didn’t know what life After Baby would really be like.

  Before Baby, life was full of statements. I’m going to do this. I’m not going to do that. I’ll go to bed now. I’ll wake up now. I’ll eat this. I’ll go here. I’ll see this. I won’t see that. Easy. Simple.

  After Baby, life was full of questions – from the moment I woke up to the lovely, luxurious second I laid my head on a cool, firm pillow, ready for a shallow but desperately needed rest, if not exactly sleep, because who knew when I’d have to get up again?

  The questions were more or less the same every day.

  What time is it? 5 am. Oh Jesus, really, only 5 am? Still, it was 4 am yesterday, wasn’t it? Was it? Who knows?

  In this new reality, it was difficult to remember how many fingers and toes I had, let alone when Pip had woken the day before.

  Maybe this is what progress looks like? Maybe tomorrow it will be 6 am! What a beautiful, crazy dream. Wait, what day is it? God, who cares? It’s not like I have anywhere to be. No, wait, that mother’s group thing is today, isn’t it? I need a diary. Do they still make diaries?

  Wow, she’s getting heavier. How has she grown so much in such a short space of time? Is that good? Bad? Healthy? Do I have an obese baby? No, I have a gorgeous baby, I have the best baby. Don’t I?

  Right, is she hungry? She’s hungry. OK, she’s hungry, so why isn’t she latching on? Why is she still crying? Shh, baby, shh. It’s OK. Here’s the boob. You love the boob, right? Maybe she can’t smell me. Ellie says it’s important the baby can smell you so she knows who you are. But Pip knows who I am, doesn’t she? After all, I feed her with my own body. Still, maybe I should shower less: pheromones and all that. Ugh. No. Not doing that. Who would have thought I’d become so pre occupied with my own smell?

  She’s latching! She’s officially latched! She’s drinking. Why is it so wet on my stomach, though? Wait, is she . . . right, OK, so I’m leaking. Why? Too much milk? Not enough latching? Maybe both? (Again: who cares? Who’s going to come in, the cast of Magic Mike?)

  Good job, Pip, good job, keep drinking. I’ll just rest my eyes for a second.

  Shit, did I just fall asleep?

  Is she alive? Have I fallen asleep on her? Oh my god. No, she’s good. Very much alive.

  Phew.

  She’s stopped drinking. Why? Have you had enough to eat? Let me check the app. Fuck, I didn’t press start. Now I don’t know how long she fed for. How long did she feed? Why did I fall asleep?

  Now she’s crying. Why are you crying? What’s wrong? Are you too hot? Too cold? Hungry? I knew you didn’t have enough to eat. Drink? Eat? What are you supposed to call it? Technically it’s drinking, but it’s the only sustenance you get. So it’s eating. But that’s weird.

  Do you need a cuddle? Do you need space? Has there ever been a baby who has needed space? Maybe you’re that baby? Just tell me, and we can be cool about it. NBD.

  Should I put you down for a nap? Will you even sleep, if I do? What if I lay you down next to me? Just like that, verrrrry gently. You won’t even notice. There, like that. Is that OK? Want me to pat your tummy? Stroke your forehead? What is it, exactly (truly: the precise, actual thing) that will make you fall asleep every single time I put you down for a nap? If you could tell me, I would be so grateful. I feel like it would vastly improve our relationship.

  She’s asleep! Yes, yes, yes, she’s asleep! HURRAH! I did it! ASLEEP, ASLEEP, ASLEEP, ASLEEP. Just going to rest my eyes again, just very briefly, not for . . .

  Fuck, did I fall asleep again?

  Is she . . . yep, she’s alive.

  And still asleep.

  Should I wake her up? Has she slept too long? I’ve heard other mothers talk about sleeping too long. Sounded crazy at first, but maybe they’re onto something. Should I wake her up? Will she hate me if I do? What would I do if someone woke me from a lovely restful sleep? I’d probably be pretty grumpy – just like I am when Pip wakes me up ten times a night.

  God, I’m hungry.

  Can I move yet?

  I need breakfast.

  Do we have milk?

  Could I use breast milk in my coffee, and just pretend it’s cow’s milk?

  No, no, I can’t. Not even I could stoop so grossly low.

  Could I?

  NO!

  Right then. Maybe we could go to a cafe?

  That might be nice.

  Is a cafe even open right now?

  Probably not.

  But maybe when Pippa wakes up, it will be? We could go to Ruby’s. Have the pancakes with rhubarb compote and double cream. Or the bacon and egg roll on brioche?

  (Breastfeeding burns through calories like a flame to a tissue. It was both the easiest and most time-consuming diet I had ever been on. I planned to do it until Pip was at least twenty-five.)

  I’d need to have a shower first, clean off all this milk. Too early to wake Nina up. Maybe I can bring Pip into the shower with me? Maybe she’ll like it. I love showers – maybe it’s genetic? But maybe she’ll hate it and start screaming and then Nina will wake up and be rightfully annoyed with the two of us.

  Maybe I won’t have a shower. Maybe I’ll just pat myself down with a damp washcloth, like a soldier at war. That sounds OK, doesn’t it? No, it doesn’t. It sounds awful.

  Right, Ruby’s. Bacon. Eggs. Aioli. Some sort of breakfast dessert, definitely. I’ll need to pack things – what? Nappies? Wet wipes? A wrap? Toys? A book? (For me, not Pip.) But am I even capable of reading more than one page at a time? What if she cries, and someone – someone like me Before Baby – tells me to leave with a withering glare? What if Pip shits all over me? What if she throws up? How much do you tip if your kid regurgitates breast milk all over the cafe floor?

  Fuck it, I’m going back to sleep.

  Annnnnd . . . of course, she’s awake.

  (If you ever want to see magic performed live, ask a mother to make herself a cup of tea or lay down for a nap and see how quickly her baby wakes up. Better than David Blaine.)

  What time is it?

  5.58. Jesus Christ.

  *

 
; So Pip and I got up and began our morning routine: I fed her (again), and after a shower and a half-arsed attempt at making myself look like I had slept more than five consecutive hours, we ventured out into the world.

  I thought about waking Nina up but it was only 6.30. She had plenty of time to get ready for work. Plus, I knew she’d been out the night before. These days, she’d always been out the night before.

  Somehow it was easier to face the day outside, with coffee and sunshine and crisp clean air, than it was to stay inside, cosy in my pyjamas. Off we went, down Redfern Street and across to our favourite cafe (by which, of course, I mean the one with the most high chairs and the least disdainful wait staff).

  All around us sat men in business suits, women clutching expensive handbags and takeaway coffees. I tried not to stare. These people – they looked just like me, but our lives were so different now. They were heading to their offices, their city skyscrapers, their desk salads, and I was going home. I shouldn’t have been jealous of them, but I was.

  We made our way back home – and found Nina at the front door, letting herself in. It was 8 am on a school day. She should have been at work.

  ‘Hey,’ I said, cocking my head to the side. ‘Where have you been?’

  ‘Hey,’ Nina whispered back to me, clocking Pip’s covered pram. We had become used to talking in hushed tones and stage whispers over the last six months. We weren’t into attachment parenting or child-led parenting or nappy-free parenting. Our motto was simple: keep the baby asleep at all costs.

  ‘It’s OK. She’s not asleep. Tried to get her to nap in the pram but I don’t think it’s happening.’

  Nina opened the door and I pushed the pram in. Nina lifted the cover and picked Pippa up, holding her close and breathing in her milky baby scent.

  ‘Hey, little munchkin! How are you today?’

  I sat down, trying to let all the fatigue roll right off me, trying to breathe some energy in. Instead, the exhaustion wrapped itself around me like a heavy blanket, with all the weight of the sleep I wasn’t getting. It’s hard to convey exactly how tired and grumpy and abrupt a person can be after nine months of pregnancy, followed immediately by six months of caring for a newborn. Honestly, evolution has this one all wrong – how is it possible that we have to follow something as exhausting and physically taxing as pregnancy with something as exhausting and physically taxing as caring for a newborn? Sometimes I needed to see Nina getting such warmth and pleasure from Pippa to remind me that I felt that, too. It could be hard to remember that when it seemed like my sole function was to be a walking milk bar.